There was one week, that I didnt work out, I was having free week and trust me, first 2 days I just slept. I was totally tired!
But, it´s berry- time here. Blueberries, red, black, gooseberries..that´s a serious work now! We have bushes here at home, over 20 and full of berries. In the woods, blueberries. Berries here and there. (Yes, I have a small overload against berries already)
Then grass. That is growing so fast. When finished in one end, need to start all over. We have this heaven in earth, for me at least, home in the middle of nature. There use to be two places and two houses, but legend is telling, that one man went angry about..well, something and burned his house. So there´s one house now in two houses place. And that grass.. well.. there´s a lot of that.
Also..in mother in law..she does need serious help. So there too, grass. And potatoes. And and and..ok, now I know where time has gone!!! :D
And Launna!! I´m sorry, that I havent been too much in your blog!! I have tried to do something about that other blog of mine.. But you have been in my thoughts and I will be there more in next week, when holiday is over.
I have been fighting with my head. Yes, again. :) But I truly love that idea, that human is not ready, there´s room for growing no matter how young or old you are.
One thing is above now. My style, look..self esteem. Sounds vain, but truly? Not at all. It´s visual and does both: can lift us up or put us down. I would lie, if I said: it dosent matter how I look. Yes, I can say that and yes, inner is always more important. But in this world, now days...also, I would love to feel assured about myself.
Yes, I have lost kilos so much. I have bee working out, still do...my mind dosent get that yet. I started to think why? I mean..I know that my body is more better, healthy now. Why cant I just enjoy?
Almost all of my clothes are way too big. Those too, that I have bought lately. I´m hiding.
I just dont trust myself to be ok... why?
I have this memories..voices..from past. Contest...between friends. Who looks better? I started to believe, that I´m not as good as my friend. She was strong with her opinions. Once, I remember..we were at boat, celebrating. The next day, when we woke and were ready for buffet (I have HUGE hangover) I had put my hair as I wanted, not like she wanted. Also, as I wanted my overalls. Small things but yep..she was controlling me. Then one man came to me as we stood there waiting our turn: are you some kind of model? Wow.. he asked that from me, not my friend. After that.. I let her do my hair etc..not the best I was, but the way I wasnt threat.
That sounds so stubid, I know. At the time, I didnt even saw those little things but now..as I think myself, and what influence both my behavior and my opinion about me? Those little things. I havent been free to be me, totally. And that is one reason, why I havent been enjoying my road now.
Now I have that power to chance it. There´s gonna be work inside of me, to trust my opinion in clother etc. But I shall crow. I dont think that I´m alone with these things.. I believe that there´s more of us, that voices from past, from shadows, are effecting our behavior, thoughts..without even seeing that.
Well... Today I shall start my journey to free me and be me. I have survived from so bad things, this is not so..well...heavy, someone could say. but as important.